


Clean Floors, Dirty Secrets

by shieldings



Series: Little Sister, Little Sister [1]
Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Homophobia, Other, canon-typical sexual mores, gratuitous pentamerone references bc i'm a pretentious piece of shit, nanami is a little gay for utena but doesn't realize it, nanami is a little gay in general, puberty is confusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:39:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shieldings/pseuds/shieldings
Summary: Nothing is real here, except for Nanami and her brother.  That's what's important.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so if you know me you know that I have an eternal IV drip of Nanami my disaster cow child.  
> This is mostly canon compliant, so there are a lot of references to Touga's constant uncomfortable sexual flings, and to incest.
> 
> The story referenced in the shadow girl sequences is "Penta with the Chopped-off Hands." It's my favorite fairy tale. There's much more than I referenced, and it's all bizarre and morally dissonant and beautiful and hilarious and horrible. I love it so much

_I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder? Life is full of disgusting things._

 

_The darling princess of the kingdom lived happily with her big brother._

 

_But then their parents disappeared, and that ruined everything._

 

_Though the castle was filled with servants, they were alone, surrounded by cold stone walls and velvet drapes..._

 

_The two had nobody to rely on but each other._

 

_And that was how it should have been._

 

_But the world is nasty, isn't it?_

 

_Isn't it?_

 

_Soon, they were to be made into adults._

 

_What would become of them?_

 

_They would rot away, for sure!_

 

_I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder?_

 

 

 

 

 

Their parents are never around anymore. That's how it should be. When Papa is around, Touga always becomes strange, moves like a marionette with tangled strings. Nanami is happy when Touga is happy. Of course.

 

The mansion is a ghost town. Housekeeping shows up every day, silent and faceless and wiping away the dust that shows time has passed. Nanami wants to run her finger along a windowsill and gather up all the filth that's collected there. She can't, and for some reason this makes her angry.

 

But there shouldn't be dirt anywhere, should there? She is perfect. Her brother is perfect. Together, they are like the mansion: huge and powerful and elegant and empty.

 

Another girl is in the house. Nanami knows this because of the dainty loafers by the door. She doesn't want to think about this, so instead she plans a party. She plans the birthday party she'll throw next year.

 

There will be ribbons everywhere, huge ribbons made of heavy silk. There will be an orchestra, and they will play the instrumentals from _Carmen._ Her friends will be there, and they will see her in her long gown with her hair like a golden waterfall and they will be amazed. They will think she is a goddess on earth. They will know not to cross her, they will know not to--

 

“Ahh, stop!” somebody giggles through the wall. “What if the maids hear?”

 

“They aren't even real,” her brother says, husky-voiced and horrifying.

 

Next year, Nanami will be thirteen. Or maybe fourteen. Maybe she will only be twelve. She isn't sure. She can't measure time. All of the calendars are outdated, and no dust gathers on the windowsills. Next year, she will throw a party so grand that everyone who attends will be ashamed. Her friends will come, and they will hate themselves because they aren't her.

 

That's the plan.

 

The muffled sounds of breathing and thumping are unbearable. Nanami stands, brushes her skirt off with her hands (though it is perfectly clean) and storms out of the room.

–

 

Anthy Himemiya is incredibly creepy. Nanami wonders if she's the only one who's noticed the darkness behind those vacant smiles. She trails behind Saionji everywhere he goes, always smiling, never speaking unless spoken to.

 

Her brother notices Anthy, definitely. Nanami has seen the way he looks at her: hungry, focused, like a feral animal. Whenever she enters the room, Touga leaves Nanami behind to speak to her (or, more accurately, speak to Saionji while eyeing Anthy as though she's some expensive jewel). She wonders why he hasn't taken her home yet. It's probably because she's with his friend, but that's never stopped him before.

 

Touga doesn't have friends, not really. He's just using them. Nanami's the only one with a deeper connection to him. Even if Touga's using her, too, she's his sister. That connection can't be broken, no matter how it's tattered and twisted.

 

Of course, Touga's not using her. He's not. That's why she's special. She's the only person he really, _really_ loves.

 

Right now, Touga and Saionji are speaking about something adult and incomprehensible. Anthy is draped over Saionji loosely, staring off into the distance. Nanami shudders. She looks like a doll. She looks like a marionette with _all_ its strings cut.

 

“Brother,” Nanami says. Touga doesn't hear her. “Brother,” she says again.

 

“Not now.”

 

If not now, then when?

–

“She's definitely a lesbian.” Keiko gestures with a chopstick at the girl in the red shorts. “I think she's able to transmit it, somehow.”

 

Nanami doesn't actually have any idea what a lesbian is, but she nods anyway. Ignorance is a weakness. Her friends love finding each other's weaknesses, and she's the only one in their group who hasn't been humiliated in some way. That's because she's the leader, and she doesn't have flaws.

 

Maybe a lesbian is a religious denomination? It sounds kind of like it could be.

 

“No, she's not gay.” Yuuko shakes her head. “It's just that she _attracts_ gays. I mean, those girls are the ones who are swooning after her, not the other way around.”

 

“Doesn't mean she's not eating pussy,” Keiko grins. Aiko and Yuuko both stare at her in shock. The smile fades from her face. “It's creepy,” she adds hesitantly.

 

The rest of the conversation is stilted and awkward. Nanami asks her brother about it that evening, and he tells her it's not ladylike to talk about those kinds of things. Then a freshman with big blue eyes and a pressed uniform arrives, and she saunters off to Touga's bedroom and that's the end of that.

 

Nanami thinks about the red shorts.

–

What a horrible girl, that Utena. She laughs so lightly, walks as though she has a purpose. She is stealing Nanami's brother away without even trying.

 

“What's so great about the man-girl?” she asks him one sunny morning on the way to school. Saionji is with them, but he's sulking. Anthy appears to have given up on him; Nanami is happy she doesn't have to deal with her anymore.

 

Touga ignores her.

 

She shoots the man-girl dirty looks every time she sees her, but her efforts go unnoticed and unappreciated.

–

“Lesbian,” Nanami yells as Anthy passes her in the hall, just to see what will happen. Anthy doesn't react, doesn't even look at her. It's like she's invisible. Terrible, absolutely terrible.

 

It wouldn't be half as bad if she could classify her: Anthy makes absolutely no sense. She doesn't simper like Touga's girlfriends of Saionji's fans. She's not social at all, but she exudes a kind of confusing arrogance. It's as though she thinks she's better than everyone else, but doesn't even care enough to tell them.

–

...Anthy is in Nanami's house. She's left a pair of dainty loafers at the door (as is the custom). There is no sound of footsteps or breathing. There is no dirt that has been dragged carelessly through the entryway (but there never is, so how is that telling?).

 

The knowledge that this girl-doll-witch is in her house makes it impossible for Nanami to sleep. She spends the night painfully aware of the silence and cleanliness. In the morning, her head hurts and her mouth is dry. Anthy smiles at her from across the breakfast table.

–

Nanami is in love with her brother, and there is nothing wrong with that. Her brother is the only man worthy of her attentions, and she is the only woman worthy of his. After all, what other reason would she have to feel sick whenever she saw him with other girls?

 

She knows that he knows. Maybe he's just doing these things to make her jealous. It's a game they play: he brings girls into the house, and she tries to humiliate them. She wins if they leave crying before nightfall, and he wins if they leave in the morning (crying or otherwise). It's fun, definitely, and that's why they do it. Touga and Nanami are at the center of the universe, and these whores are just orbiting them.

 

Nanami plays a fun game by herself in a hellishly clean house and pretends she's having a good time.

–

_I wonder, I wonder! The truth is, there's not a clear line between adulthood and childhood._

 

_What a pity._

 

_You don't realize you've grown up until it's too late._

 

_How sad!_

 

_That was what happened to the poor princess and her brother, all alone in their big echoing castle._

 

“ _How much time has passed since we were children?”_

 

_Was what he probably said._

 

“ _Aren't we still?”_

 

_Was how she probably answered!_

 

_How could either of them have known?_

 

_Well, it was already too late, so they were allowed to know. Her brother explained it in clear and simple words._

 

_But what did he_ actually _say?_

 

_That's a secret!_

–

Each day, Touga slips farther away from her. Each day, Nanami grasps at him with both her hands, and he doesn't even notice her efforts.

 

Nanami is as bright as a poisonous beetle with a sword in each hand, and she is tired of waiting until it's too late.

 

Despite this, she fails.

–

“Do you prefer boys or girls?”

 

“Girls, of course.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Except, that wasn't the way the conversation was supposed to go.

–

Nanami is in love with her brother, which is why boys bore her. She is in love with her brother, which is why she's so aware of each new pretty girl that grasps at his arm. Of course, she is in love with her brother, because why else would that annoying man-girl with the red shorts that he kept mooning after always interrupt her thoughts?

–

(if he's not actually her brother, that makes everything better, right?)

 

(because if he's not actually her brother, then she can love him the way he loves other girls)

 

(except no, because that would make her no better than them, right? Right?)

 

(disgusting, clawing painted fingernails and soft parted lips whispering bitter nothings)

–

_Extra, extra!_

 

_It turns out that there's a simple way to tell a child from an adult!_

 

_What the princess's brother said to her was, “We are alone in this world, and you are the only one who I love. Your kind voice, your deep dark eyes, and most of all your gentle hands have an unbreakable hold on my heart.”_

 

_What he said was, “If we are no longer children, then that can only mean one thing.”_

 

_He gazed deeply into her eyes, and said,“Sister, will you marry me?”_

 

_Romantic, right?_

–

If the princess married her brother, what would that mean for her?

 

If the prince wasn't really a prince after all, would that make it any better?

 

If the princess and the prince lay together on a white couch bathed in fake starlight, what would that mean for them?

 

It wouldn't mean anything. That's the secret. Nanami falls to her knees, shaking.

–

_She didn't want that._

 

_Why not?_

 

_Because that wasn't the love she wanted._

 

_What other kinds of love are there?_

 

_It's a secret!_

 

_Geez, why do you keep teasing me?_

–

“But it was what you wanted, right?”

 

The engine is purring like some lascivious wild beast. Nanami is choking on secrets. Touga's features are shifting with the roadside lights.

 

She wants to throw up.

–

“ _If my hands are what you love most about me,” she said._

 

“ _And we are no longer children,” she said._

 

“ _If that's the case, then there's nothing else I can do.”_

 

_So the poor princess retreated to her chambers_

_called a servant_

 

_handed him a bright shiny knife_

 

_gave him the order_

 

_and gave her hands to her brother in a pretty silver box!_

 

_But I wonder if that was really the_ only _thing she could have done._

 

_It was the closest thing to what she wanted, wasn't it?_

 

_But what did she want?_

 

_I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder?_

–

The next day, her swords are nowhere to be found. She sighs in relief and tucks her student council uniform under her bed.

 

She prays that it will be covered in dust and eaten by moths.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also gonna do one about Kozue bc I freaking love Kozue and I want her to be happy  
> (i mean if you didn't notice my icon i guess that's on you)


End file.
